Friday, December 14, 2007


from Thailandgal

This past weekend, I made a decision that needed to be made a long time ago but inertia got the better of me. I am going to be moving from here sooner rather than later.

A lot of things plagued me about this decision. First, and the primary thing, is that I am a control freak. Risk is not my friend. Leaving things to chance is not something I am comfortable with at all. I like things planned and calculated for risk and having a Plan B for every situation keeps me in my comfort zone. I also play absolute hell with my rather weird sense of ethics. Things came to mind like "what if she dies alone because I abandoned her?" I battled a lot with trying to create a balance between what might be an entirely selfish decision with what on some levels is strictly healthy self-preservation.

While meditating in the garden, I began acknowledging the six directions, the winged and four-legged creatures, the water, the sky, the rocks, and all living things ... something I practiced and continue to practice since my time in Thailand. The fact that yesterday was a significant Thai holiday during which people honor water had me in that frame of mind anyway. I talked out loud to these spirits as I pulled weeds and removed dead blooms from many bushes and plants. Sometimes I stopped to play a dedication on my penny whistle. This is probably as close as I get to what might be considered conventional prayer.

Prayer works best when it is not for anything in particular. It just opens a dialogue. But that doesn't matter, not really, as a message from God, the Gods or however you define That Which Is Bigger Than All Of Us is usually incomprehensible or passed over and not noticed - not immediately anyway.

Yet as the day went along I began to notice the answers to my concerns in the form of a phone call and a visit from someone I know will help the person I am concerned about after I leave.

The pieces fell together as I realized how I can execute the move without either getting into debt or having it cause a great deal of upset. It was as clear as if it had been given to me on a step-by-step list.

I know I will be able to leave here with a free heart, knowing that I am not leaving anything behind that will create harm. It still amazes me that we can give up some control and trust the flow. This has been my most difficult lesson. I needed this obvious synchronicity to drive the point home, to put me at peace with my choice. It is very reassuring to know that I can make some decisions on my own behalf, because they benefit me, and still know that I will not be leaving a trail of harm behind.

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